seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize