so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
