My sheets look like a crime scene.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
