My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
