Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
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