Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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