Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
