so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
