I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
