You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
