And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
