i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
