Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
