dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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