nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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