I think my vagina is haunted
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
