News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
