just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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