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Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
