Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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