Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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