The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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