the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
