I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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