Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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