note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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