Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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