The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
