Life is so much better after having sex.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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