There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
