just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
