they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
