I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
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