i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
