mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
The ass gains better be worth it
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