jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
it's great music for shaving your balls
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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