He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
