I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
