And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
They have beer where we have blood.
Couch. On fire.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
