i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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