How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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