he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
