News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
and she was petting her beer can
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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