literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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