My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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