you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
