just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
