Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Randomize
