It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
