people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
