im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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