He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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