you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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