i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
