...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
He has the fingertips of a God
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