All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
