You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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